The Unintentional Break.

[ Found In The Change ] .

It’s is June 1st and I am sat in a very hot warehouse in south Bermondsey. I am on a lunch break from the Youth Leaders conference I’m at, and whilst everyone is out buying lunch and sitting in the sunshine. I sit awkwardly inside, wanting to melt into the sticky chair and quite frankly disappear. Earlier that morning I had an open and honest conversation with one of my mentors on my current fears. I had held precious all the things that scare the shit out of me and I had adorned myself in a cloak of apathy regarding fear. And finally, it all fell out, salty, burning and embarrassing, and I was forced to analyse the split milk I had left all over the metaphorical floor. My chest heaving as onlookers peered curiously, a whirlwind of panic enveloped me and I took a deep breath promising her not to let the lies of fear drown me in a sea of hopelessness.

Sometimes, in the sea of fear, there are days where I’m gently floating on the surface, cocksure, arms folded behind my back and a shimmering golden bikini adorning my body. I lay atop the lapping azure waves at peace, gently bobbing along, quite easily declaring my faith over things, throwing open my bible and with a flutter of my eyelashes I smile, declaring Jeremiah 23:11 over and over. But there are days, days that blur into weeks and then into months where I am completely and utterly drowning under the push of the enemy. The waves choke me, forcing me under and my lungs scream as the salty stinging water rushes in and overpowers me, and then. Nothing. A great blackness comes over, like a shark that has found its kill. Silent and stealthily, it. Takes. Me. Out. The mustard seed that I planted gently upon good soil begins to wither, as I the Gardner become too tired to kill the weeds choking up my precious precious faith. I gaze longingly into my garden desperately wanting to tend to my beloved mustard plant, but my house is burning down all around me and I cannot fix my eyes on something else. My gaze feels firmly fixed on the acrid aroma of burnt dreams, hopes floating on the embers, and I scream into the abyss, my mustard plant swaying in the breeze as the ashen remnants of my house swirl all around.

A few days after I wrote the above. A change came like a thief in the night. Unexpectedly. And nothing was quite the same. I had somehow landed my dream job. Out of the blue, I had somehow walked towards the light that had always been promised to me.

 [ Work, work, work, work, work ] .

And that is where I’ve been – quietly working in the background after being thrown back into the real world. I put my head down and worked my butt off to pass my probation with flying colours, giving myself a clear few weeks to simply soak up everything I possibly could (and can) in my new environment. It’s weird when you’re finally able to grasp something that you’ve been wanting for so long, once it’s in your hands, it feels so… natural I suppose. This is the first time I’ve ever felt fully comfortable and appreciated in a job in a long time, and working with people who have the same ethics as you when it comes to architecture and social issues is truly nothing short of a blessing.

So how is work right now? Insanely BUSY. I don’t think you ever stop learning in architecture and now that I’ve been given a lot more solo responsibility for projects and managing client comms as well as expectations I’ve found that I’ve been speeding through things. I’ll be finally be doing my part 3 (yay to being on the Architects Registration Board) and looking to wrap things up study wise.

[ Not – So – In – My – Sunday – Best ] .

I promise I am not abandoning this little space on Beyoncé’s internet to be doing influencer up and down, but what I am doing is thinking more about the future, thinking about savings and thinking about buying a house (or flat). I’ve been doing a hell of a lot more AD’s lately – I’m not sure if it’s because I hit 10k and now have the highly coveted swipe up that brands have been shooting me emails for Paid work left to right and centre, but It is WONDERFUL. I’m incredibly grateful to be able to have two full-time well-paid jobs and it has made me think a lot about money, what I’m spending and how I can better invest my dollar (no more pumpkin spice lattes every day). From looking at Help to Buy ISA’s, better business accounts and so much more, I’m hoping to get my financial butt into shape. So essentially, yes I will probably always be naturally inclined to post more consistently on my Instagram account as it’s quicker, mobile and more instantaneous – whereas this blog post has taken me a whole five months to compile.

Vix Meldrew, who I can only describe as the best blogging cheerleader, online coach and encourager has inspired me to think big in terms of my online presence and hone in on who and what exactly In My Sunday Best is. On that, I think I’ll be moving myself to WordPress and saying a final goodbye to our very lovely but incredibly outdated blogger platform. In regards to content, I think I want to emulate websites like The Good Trade or Refinery 29 for think-pieces and longer written work, essentially gearing up for when I inevitably write my book. Manifesting magic from my heart, through my fingertips.

[ Endo – me – triosis ] .

On the day of my third interview for my current role, I woke up at 5 am with what I could only describe as scorching waves of pain rolling themselves through my abdomen. I screamed.

Somehow I did the interview hopped up on quite a lot of pain medication (and subsequently landed the job), then took an uber straight to hospital where I ended up staying for three days. It turns out, my cries of unbearable period pains, blood clots, electric shocks in my bum-hole, painful swollen belly and much more was not just in my head (or me ovulating as other doctors had said), but is severe endometriosis. My specialist was shocked when he was doing the ultrasound – bewildered as to why I hadn’t come in earlier, I explained that I had been complaining for YEARS and every time I would be sent away from A&E saying it’s just ovulation pain. I’m working with My specialists to determine the best steps as sadly endometriosis is currently incurable and the pain can only be managed through excision or medication. So at present, it’s medication and surgery on the cards to see what’s going down in (and around) my uterus.

[ Burn Out ] .

And I suppose this is where I wrap up this not so little update. At current, I’m okay. But I am feeling wildly like… something is missing in my day to day life. I suppose it’s the lack of organisation on my part. Opportunities keep coming in a steady stream but I’ve found myself too busy and too tired to catch them in time and it has left me reeling with FOMO and light anger towards myself.

I feel like I’m sort of lazily working my way through life at the moment and not challenging myself as much as I know I should. From putting off my part 3 studies to inconsistency with my online presence, there is a cloud of procrastination hovering over my spirit that needs to get the F – ASAP. I’ll be working with.. well myself aha to get better at managing my time, and by this, I mean doing what I should have done before and outsource help, be it an accountant, an automatic invoice sender and even possibly a virtual assistant. I loathe losing control over things but I simply cannot manage both to a solid degree – something has to give and that my friends is my need for control over absolutely every little thing in this life.

So I suppose this is where this brief update ends – ironically I’m finishing this off on the train home after a long day. Life is good at the moment and it feels a little miraculous to only really have my health to worry about, but if God has brought me this far, who am I to worry about tomorrow. In the end, things always, always, always work out my darlings.

[ Photos by the very talented Yossy Akinsanya ]

Lots of love Sade