The sheer speed in which February came and went, and then, March came and went put the fear of God into me. Reader – time is actually passing, so much so that when the frazzled end of February came and went, i only realised halfway through the month of March that i hadn’t posted a written round up on the blog. Therefore this will be a brief combo of both months.
Life post-op has been relatively smooth. My scar isn’t as pronounced, and the lumpiness, like little mountains under my skin have somewhat disappeared. My periods aren’t back to normal though, and the excessive period bleeding is still plaguing me, but we’re hoping it’ll resolve itself after a few months – my body after all, is still recovering from being sliced open at the abdomen.
March also saw a friend enter the thirties club, and i’ve got to say it feel so exciting to watch people one by one enter their thirties, at first apprehensive to step over the metaphorical line, expecting wrinkles, diapers, mortgage repayments, family package holidays and stress, when in reality, i’ve found that your thirties are your second go at your twenties, except you now have money, some stability and a greater sense of self. I can categorically say that i’ve felt much more at peace with myself in my thirties than I ever did in my twenties. And speaking of confidence in your thirties, mine took a mild hit. One evening Emmy furowed her brows at the other end of the Whatsapp video call we were on to say “You know, I can’t let you give up on love – i can’t. I love you, and know your heart’s desires. I can’t” and so I made her a reluctant promise to ‘try’ and found myself back in the vacuous clutches of online dating again. Most of the conversations were dead, or at least went dead when they would mention they were almost forty, not sure what they were doing in life and were looking for something casual – i’d drop that my version of casual is a coffee date because i’m celibate, and they would immediately un-match. I finally found genuinely interesting conversation with someone and we went on a date in mid March. He wasn’t my ‘spec’, but as women we are always told to give the guy a chance and i did. The date was ok but i found him to be rather sanctimonious and judgemental despite him reeling off that “You know, I go to therapy” in every other conversation. He overstepped a boundary and I gently corrected him on it. I don’t think it went down too well on his side because after a few days of eye-watering empty messages, i asked whether this was going anyway, to which he replied the equivalent of Tolstoy’s War & Peace. I remember feeling so bummed out by the abrupt ending of it, mostly because my ego was bruised if i’m being honest – i gave the one who isn’t even my type a chance and he played me, and it threw me for a bit, but i realised the only way to get over this was to treat all future dates a bit like a version of rejection therapy and go into them with no expectations whatsoever, although dating feels so… meh. There’s a lack of passion, excitement and silliness that there once was, and it feels like the divide between modern woman and man is widening exponentially so we’ll see.
One thing i really didn’t see coming in the months of February and March was the expansion of my social circle in the most unexpected of places: work! I became a strictly no-friends-at work person after being mobbed at one of the practices that I worked at, with the ringleader having too much of an interest in my private life. However, i’ve made friends with two of the sweetest people at work, and it seems all three of us are at very similar places in life. I also found myself re-fanning the flames of past friendships that had drifted into acquaintances, and ended up with a new-found warmness towards these friends. Grace – as much as we give it, is as much as we require it and i’m always firmly reminded of Gods Grace over myself and my life whenever i think about extending an olive branch. Learning to love, even if i end up embarrassed. It’s a beautiful, gorgeous thing to be vulnerable.
All in all, life feels ‘right’ again, like i’m on the correct path which feels really satisfying. I was telling a friend that it doesn’t feel like i’m wrestling with life anymore – things just feel ‘right’, and we realised the reason why things feel right is because instead of clawing my way out of this season, i’ve decided to bask in it. Life has always been a series of tick boxes, before moving onto the next thing for me, and for whatever reason, i’m choosing to sit and enjoy the sunshine on my little patch of green instead of constantly looking for a way out and i truly believe this is the key to cracking true contentment in life. Focusing on the road in front of you, no lefts or rights – just your own chosen path.
So what will April bring? I know additional responsibilities at work that’s for sure (i’ve just passed probation!) so that means i’m forreal forreal doing this Project Management thing! I’m also going to be seeing old university friends for the mother of all catch up’s which is exciting, and perhaps the thing that i’m most excited about this month: The 80 Strong Challenge, which i’ll be doing with some friends.
Here’s to a spring in your step this April – hehe.
